confessions of a helper

Last night I had a discussion with others that made me think about my time as a ‘lay pastor’ (volunteer pastor).  I’ve never exactly spelt this out for people, but my blog-name of ‘Cardinal Cyn’ is also a reference to a time in my life when I studied ministry and did lay pastor-y things.  As a result I have some experience with pastoral care.  

Part of me loved to help others in a sort of pastoral care type of way.

Sounds all warm and fuzzy, but I can tell you it is not.  Among other things, I can remember the awkwardness of visiting someone in hospital after a failed suicide attempt; there seemed to be a plague of depression everywhere I turned; and I once faced a person exhibiting behaviour which was just freaky and weird (screaming, pointing and rocking in church…ffs!) (while sitting on the floor). What would you do?


I kept a journal on pastoral care for a while in order to learn from my own reflections.  Here’s a quote from it:

…There are others however, who don’t seem to grow or who are playing games.  I am concerned with how a person is travelling spiritually and like to encourage them.  But I don’t like being manipulated or played with by people who are excessively needy.  I don’t have a need to be needed, in that sense, and I’m glad about that.

I discovered during this time how much I needed help, myself, from time to time.  It’s hard to hear and see some of the stuff you do, in its raw intensity.  I needed to ‘debrief’ or find a ‘relief valve’, particularly after a tough session.

I found that when in the role of ‘helping’ others  I MUST do stuff in order to look after myself.  Stuff like self-care. Knowing my own limits and boundaries.  Dealing with my own issues so they were not projected inappropriately. It was really important for me to know who I was and be comfortable in my own skin – otherwise I’d get creamed. 

The risk of NOT doing this – of NOT knowing who I am, and NOT dealing with my own stuff - is that all the crap that gets dumped on me from other people goes into me and builds up, to a point of pressure-cooker-meltdown level. If I didn’t have a healthy release valve in place, the crap comes out in unhealthy ways – usually in ways which damage relationships. This is not a long-term recipe for wellness, happiness and health, people. No it is not. Not for me. Not for anyone.

I had to learn how to be well. And not just physically well – but emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually well.  Prevention is better than cure.  This is what works for me:

• Practice acceptance.  Breathing in the realisation that I can’t change some things or people, and there are probably elements of a situation that I will need to learn to accept. 
• Support.  Allow someone else to stand alongside me to provide “psychological splinting”.
• Time out.  Escape by taking days off, pursuing recreational activities, having a regular diversion, taking part in social activities.  Have some fun.
• Self development. Learning skills and gaining more understanding.  Always reflecting on my own attitudes and behaviours and what I can learn for next time.
• Attending to physical factors such as exercise, rest and diet.
• Plan Strategically.  I always like to have a plan in order to build.

Even so, it takes a special kind of person to survive long-term in such a role. 

Just saying.