3 moral values we can take from breaking bad

Everyone we meet lately is talking about Breaking Bad, except for someone last night at uke group who said, What's that? 

 

My response was, Where have you been hiding?

 

Reactions are mostly enthusiastic and animated, but there is also a less dominant theme of moral repugnance running through reactions as well which I completely understand.  I'm sure this moral tension has been deliberately designed by the producers, as it provides a large part of the hook which strongly attracts avid watchers of this confronting series.

 

The term 'moral values' may not fit comfortably in the same sentence as 'breaking bad' but indulge me here. 

 

Moral Value 1:  Loving your family includes risks, commitment and respect

 

There's no denying that Walt loves his family to bits and wants the best for them.  He is thinking beyond his own finite existence to the future of his loved ones and taking great risks to achieve them.  Walt loves his extended family too, even though tensions run at varying degrees of intensity.  His sister- and brother-in-law are present at family meetings, medical appointments and are involved in gut level dialogues.  Walt operates his relationships with these people at an interesting level of transparency - in some areas.

 

Jessie is also considered 'family' in Walt's moral radar, as Walt is there in Jessie's darkest hours.  They are honest with each other through wild and unchartered experiences which challenge the relational boundaries.  But these very experiences lead them each to discover the value of what each other can contribute to the strange relationship between these unlikely partners.

 

Moral Value 2:  We all want our contribution of skills & knowledge to be valued

 

Walt's job as a teacher is a worthy and prized role by many, but it doesn't push Walt's buttons.  Walt is over-qualified, bored to death and unchallenged.  An old tension between uni-friends of years before who had taken Walt's ideas and built an empire, leaving Walt out of the picture, has rubbed salt into his wound.  Walt is battling an impending sense of failure.  His family is broke.  His wife is expecting.  He works a second job washing cars at a car wash where many of his students get their cars washed.  The whole thing is humiliating for Walt.

 

When Walt finds himself cooking crystal meth, and hating himself for it, he discovers something else unexpected.  His expertise is highly valued.  He has a reputation on the streets.  His product is of the highest quality.  His skills are in demand.  This brings Walt an incredible sense of internal satisfaction.  It feeds a hunger in Walt that cannot be denied any more.  Years of demoralising grind and hard work as a teacher have brought him financial hardship and humiliation.  But when he finds an outlet for his passions, Walt is a new man.

 

Moral Value 3:  Live your own life

 

In a family conference, Walt expresses his feelings regarding his reluctance to accept treatment.  He had never been able to make his own decisions, he explained.  He had spent his life living other people's expectations.  Now as he faces his mortality, Walt is tasting for the first time what it feels like to be his own man.  He discovers how gutsy he can be.  He can take risks, make his own choices and plan strategies which pay off. 

 

When his health begins to show promise, Walt feels strangely sad that his reason for cooking has diminished.  Walt is on a journey of self-discovery which is risky, dangerous as hell but also is the most exciting adventure.  Walt is finding his own voice and tapping into his own vat of personal power.  "I'm awake," he tells one person.  Walt is no longer shackled by the template of expectations placed upon him by anyone.  He is starting to live his own life.

 

Maybe it is a long bow to find moral values in such a series, but hey, don't we just love it anyway? 

 

Comments welcome.

Life of Pi_my thoughts

I knew very little about this movie so didn't know what to expect except that the idea of being marooned on a lifeboat with a wild tiger was going to be a good story. One reviewer of this movie says:

Don't expect to leave this story behind as you leave the theatre. Life of Pi has something to say.

I agree. But WHAT is it trying to say? Where comments on Google mention the visual cinematics, special effects, rah rah rah (which are fabulous, BTW)... I think it's sort of a modern day parable in that a story which may not be completely factual, illustrates a spiritual concept like the nature of belief.

Pi v Pissing
The big theme of the movie is a spiritual one. The first clue about this is the name "Pi" itself. It is shortened from the unfortunate name of "Pissing". The name 'Pi' represents a mathematical mystery which is never resolved or finished - similar to mysterious spiro-themes. This is a much preferred name to 'Pissing' wouldn't you agree? So each person who meets Pi, must choose whether to think of him and refer to him as "Pi - the mystery", or "Pissing".

Survival @ Sea
The factual evidence of survival at sea in a lifeboat during storms, hunger, thirst and fear with a wild tiger, orangutan, hyena and zebra is also called into question at the end of the movie by the Japanese insurance representatives that wanted to hear a story that was 'believable'. So Pi told them another story which involved people rather than wild animals. So the insurance boys have 2 stories. In parrallel.  One is involving more 'believable' behaviours of humans in survival mode, the other is a somewhat fanciful but beautiful animal story. 

Then Pi asked the insurance reps a question,
"Which story do you prefer?"

And that, ultimately, is the point that the movie is trying to make - that belief in God is connected strongly with the story we prefer.

have your say
Have you seen this movie? Or read the book? What do you think the movie was about?  Come on tell us.

how we survived the first 25

Hello everyone. As many of you know, today is our 25th wedding anniversary. As such we feel rather qualified to share some of our hard-earned wisdom in how we have survived the first 25. As each relationship is unique, these snippets may not be for everybody. But they work for us. We hope you enjoy.
 
1.  Identify 'no-go zones' (things you avoid discussing) and continue to ignore them for about 10 years.  E.g. finances. We got on a whole lot better in the early years when we stopped talking about money.

2. When the inevitable crisis hits (e.g. financial failure), decide that the 'no-go zone' is not going to be a deal-breaker. (If you choose the opposite, then it's all over red rover and this is the point at which many marriages end, we think.)  It's time to discover some new skills, attitudes, maturity and growth. A crisis can never be underestimated for its value in this regard.

3.  Start talking. Willingly. Honestly. Transparently. Develop self-awareness and learn to articulate your thoughts and feelings.  Continue this practice in an ongoing manner.

4.  Start listening. Deeply. Without judgment. Make it safe for the other to be transparent. Continue this practice in an ongoing manner.

5. Fight fair. Don't accuse, blame, divert attention, or stonewall. Always respect. Some people may only be honest when they are angry. If this is the case, be very careful about the potential for your words to wound. Some people may discard honesty in favour of being kind. This is not helpful either - as it's not honest. Aim for total honesty blended in equal measures with total kindness.

 6. Graciously accept and embrace the changes and growth of each other during the years. Attitudes change. Circumstances change. There are highs and lows and life-experience has a way of shaping us in colourful ways.

7. Even though you are each individuals, realise that together you are a partnership. What affects one of you, affects both of you - for better or worse. Share each other's highs and lows. Avoid competition with each other, as this undermines the partnership which you are operating within.

8.  When things are good, marriage is easy. Enjoy yourselves and the good times while they exist.  It's tougher when challenges come along (e.g. sickness, financial stress, loss). So recognise the value of a good crisis. These can be both the 'worst of times and the best of times' as you grapple with circumstances together.

 

I consider myself truly privileged to be in such a fantastic partnership with Meyles, to be loved and totally accepted for who I am - warts and all. The above are the principles with which we conduct our marriage and they work for us. We love being married and wonder where we will celebrate our 50th anniversary in another 25 years' time.

Wishing you all lots of love

Meyles and Cynthia

Unbelievable spuds made in heaven

Guest blogger, Meyles, speaks about spuds:


Tonight we ate these spuds.  Mouth-watering Desiree spuds that were growing in our garden just hours before.







1.6 kg of fresh spuds from 2 plants that I dug this morning.

In June I planted 6 certified seed potatoes and it did not take too long for them to come up.

 I planted them into a well composted soil using plenty of manure, blood and bone and made sure that they were watered well.  They grew like stink and after much resistance, I finally succumbed to curiosity and dug a couple of plants.

I only dug 2 plants.  They are still 2 weeks away from reaching the maximum size, but I did not want to harvest them all at once.

 You can't get much fresher than these.

Here is the next batch I am growing.  I am growing them in a planter box so that I use much less space.  As they grow I add more soil on top until the box is full.  I then put another box to add height and fill it with more soil. I have raised the height to 60cm and filled it with soil.  The spuds are looking good and in 6 weeks I will be eating fresh Pinkeye potatoes.  


To most people they will not appreciate the significance of Pinkeye potatoes, but being raised in Tassie, it is a well known fact that there is nothing better than boiled Pinkeye potatoes lathered in butter and sprinkled with salt.

confessions of a helper

Last night I had a discussion with others that made me think about my time as a ‘lay pastor’ (volunteer pastor).  I’ve never exactly spelt this out for people, but my blog-name of ‘Cardinal Cyn’ is also a reference to a time in my life when I studied ministry and did lay pastor-y things.  As a result I have some experience with pastoral care.  

Part of me loved to help others in a sort of pastoral care type of way.

Sounds all warm and fuzzy, but I can tell you it is not.  Among other things, I can remember the awkwardness of visiting someone in hospital after a failed suicide attempt; there seemed to be a plague of depression everywhere I turned; and I once faced a person exhibiting behaviour which was just freaky and weird (screaming, pointing and rocking in church…ffs!) (while sitting on the floor). What would you do?


I kept a journal on pastoral care for a while in order to learn from my own reflections.  Here’s a quote from it:

…There are others however, who don’t seem to grow or who are playing games.  I am concerned with how a person is travelling spiritually and like to encourage them.  But I don’t like being manipulated or played with by people who are excessively needy.  I don’t have a need to be needed, in that sense, and I’m glad about that.

I discovered during this time how much I needed help, myself, from time to time.  It’s hard to hear and see some of the stuff you do, in its raw intensity.  I needed to ‘debrief’ or find a ‘relief valve’, particularly after a tough session.

I found that when in the role of ‘helping’ others  I MUST do stuff in order to look after myself.  Stuff like self-care. Knowing my own limits and boundaries.  Dealing with my own issues so they were not projected inappropriately. It was really important for me to know who I was and be comfortable in my own skin – otherwise I’d get creamed. 

The risk of NOT doing this – of NOT knowing who I am, and NOT dealing with my own stuff - is that all the crap that gets dumped on me from other people goes into me and builds up, to a point of pressure-cooker-meltdown level. If I didn’t have a healthy release valve in place, the crap comes out in unhealthy ways – usually in ways which damage relationships. This is not a long-term recipe for wellness, happiness and health, people. No it is not. Not for me. Not for anyone.

I had to learn how to be well. And not just physically well – but emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually well.  Prevention is better than cure.  This is what works for me:

• Practice acceptance.  Breathing in the realisation that I can’t change some things or people, and there are probably elements of a situation that I will need to learn to accept. 
• Support.  Allow someone else to stand alongside me to provide “psychological splinting”.
• Time out.  Escape by taking days off, pursuing recreational activities, having a regular diversion, taking part in social activities.  Have some fun.
• Self development. Learning skills and gaining more understanding.  Always reflecting on my own attitudes and behaviours and what I can learn for next time.
• Attending to physical factors such as exercise, rest and diet.
• Plan Strategically.  I always like to have a plan in order to build.

Even so, it takes a special kind of person to survive long-term in such a role. 

Just saying.

all about lurve

what it's not
Jealous.  Boastful.  Proud.  Rude.  Irritable.


what it doesn't do
Demand its own way.  Keep score.  Enjoy the other's downfall.


what it never does
Gives up. Loses hope.


what it does
Is patient, kind, truthful.



This doesn't mean that you're not in love if you get irritable at times. It's just that there are behaviours which build lurve, and behaviours which diminish it.

the skills of lurve are learned - 

they don't just appear

>> be truthful.  Transparency is not about being kind (with no honesty), or about being honest (with no kindness).  It is about being totally honest and totally kind both at the same time.  This is a learned skill and builds levels of trust as vulnerability is explored.  This is exquisitely beautiful in operation. Here's a tip: when your partner begins to share truthfully, listen. And don't give any cause for them never to trust you again with their treasure.

>>agreement.  Don't try to win against the other. If one of you wins, the couple loses. It's not a competition. It's a partnership. The aim is for agreement. If both of you are not comfortable, don't proceed.  

So I wish you all lots of lurve.


(25 years married this November!) 

sexuality

I got this hat

Today I attended the Newcastle Breast Cancer Forum where I scored these delicious bicky-beauties - a giveaway from the doctors at the Hunter Women's Health & Menopause Centre.


Breast Cancer & Sexuality was the theme of the day. And the speakers were fabulous.


Dr Margaret Redelman (Psychotherapist, Sexuality Relationship Therapist, Medical Practitioner) defines sexuality:


Sexuality = communication by proximity and touch


Our sexuality is always with us - we never leave home without it.  Dr Redelman believes we use our sexuality to:


1.  give/receive love, acceptance and affection


2.  fulfil skin-hunger needs and validate our gender


3.  use it to relieve boredeom, to control, reward, punish, and enjoy


According to the good doc, Aussies tend not to communicate comfortably about sexuality and we have difficulty in finding words to describe it. She also claims that only about 10% of us have a reasonable sex education. 


So when a sexual trauma comes along, such as a breast cancer diagnosis, we don't have the tools to deal with it.


We learn about sexuality by various means. As a child, we are always learning. Our parents teach us (intentionally or unintentionally) what attitudes to take to our sexuality. Also there are religious expectations, family values, history, past experience, media all are thrown into the mix.


93% of 13-15 year old boys have seen porn, which can cause them to think that porn is normal when it comes to sexuality.


Do you think someone should give kids some tools to identify what's normal when it comes to sexuality? 


Dr Redelman's message to women is to be responsibly selfish. This means you are responsible for knowing what your own needs are and taking care of them. This will involve communicating those needs.


Communication is a huge key to learn the skills of sexuality. Make no mistake - the actual function of sex can be carried out easily (left nipple, right nipple, in). But the skills of sexuality - of making sex meaningful over a long-term relationship, is a learned skill. We learn by becoming responsibly selfish.


Everyone's sexuality is unique and we are each responsible to be aware and take care of our own needs. Communication with our partner is a huge key in learning to achieve this.


Thoughts? Comments? Fire away.

musically speaking...

It began when I was 7

I was delivered to the house of my first piano teacher.  I can’t remember her name, but I do remember she had an amazingly small waist – I mean really small.  I overheard adults talking about her saying she had had Polio. 

Over the years I had various teachers.  They ranged in style from gentle to gestapo-like.  My whole family were involved in music somehow and it was just normal to learn an instrument of some kind. 

An unrecognised influence

However, without realising it, my brother Lindsay (guitarist, drummer and a bit of a singer) used to play Elvis Presley and Beatles cassettes in his room at night when he was supposed to be doing his homework.  The bedroom which I shared with both my sisters was right next to his, and many nights I lay in bed while going to sleep to the strains of Norwegian Wood and In the Ghetto.  I heard him playing his guitar.  Lindsay had a good sense of rhythm and played great chords.  He became – and remains – the standard for all rhythm guitar in my estimation. 

Music in Hobart

When I was 21 I moved to Hobart on my own.  I bought a piano, found a good teacher from the Conservatorium and found a degree of self-discipline somewhere within that found me getting out of bed in cold mornings to do an hour of scales before work in the morning, then another hour of practice in the evenings.  I did very well in that exam and felt a great sense of achievement because I’d set a goal for myself and achieved it.  No one had chosen it for me – it was mine.

Music in church

I was heavily involved in music at the church which hosted a beautiful black, Yamaha baby grand piano.  My favourite thing was to jazz up hymns with nice chords and modern rhythms.  A group of other musos gravitated to this church and we enjoyed many hours of music together. 

After church

Sadly this time ended unhappily.  Muso types are a curious breed – sensitive and expressive – and their creative streak means they don’t always respond well to the concept of team.  Add to this the idea that church mosos are intended to be servants rather than minor-celebrities, and you threaten the very culture in which you live.  The harsh treatment I experienced from good Christian folk left me shocked and gutted.  I rarely speak about this.  Something happened inside me which left me grieving and was a significant factor in our decision to leave.

For a time I had no musical outlet.  I missed it like hell.  All the songs I knew came from a time which was unbearable to re-visit.  Music had been fused and associated with that unhappy time in church where pain and grief were.   So for a time, there was a gaping hole with no music.  So I preferred nothing.  For a time.

A choir

But after a time, I joined the Southern Gospel Choir.  I had never had to audition before.  A new experience.  New music.  New people.  A new outlet.  It was fantastic.  Click here and listen to these guys.  Please.  This was a healing time for me, to be part of such fabulous, top-quality music.  

And the uke

Since arriving in Newcastle I have settled into learning / playing a ukulele – my first stringed instrument.  And I am proudly part of the Ukastle Ukestra.  I don’t need performance, or exams now.  I enjoy learning new songs – songs I like.  I love the beautiful singing tones of my new Maton uke, and gain pleasure from making it sing in my hands.  I love it’s social aspect.  The fact that the uke lends itself to someone singing along with it.  And I love meeting with other uke players where I get new songs, new ideas and enjoy playing music together.  

There is nothing else like music that can cause people to gather, and coordinate and dance.  It expresses emotion without the use of words and has the ability to touch people me deeply.  I love to play it.  Because in reality, it plays me.

Joe Cocker eat your heart out

Week 2:  

me and uke

one week in

with dishwasher for background accompaniment

my tortured life

Well, I'm still here.
I have grown my coat for the cold winter like a Tsar's robe. 

It requires a certain delicate maintenance.

I am free to go.  Yet I remain.

The 15 hours a day I sleep have no effect.
I wake to the same tedium.

Forgotton on the floor.  I alone feel this rejection.

I am surrounded by morons...

...who torment me mercilessly.

Still, I've learned a few things.

While my caretakers ignore my attempts to participate...

My life is in the toilet.

religious differences

photo: artemisphoto

Hello All. Today’s blog is an illustration of our modern multi-cultural-religious environment.


Recently a friend of mine was requested, in their working capacity, to organise a prayer room for overseas clients which were often visiting the organisation.  


Sounds easy doesn’t it?


My friend did some digging and got some advice on how exactly to set up a multi-faith prayer room. For example:

• For one religion, a prayer room can be very plain. The room needs to be pretty empty with some prayer mats or pieces of carpet.
• The room should contain facilities for washing hands and feet before prayers. 
• The room must be large enough to accommodate multiple pray-ers side by side on the floor.
• Some religions require provision for both male and females to pray separately. This could mean the room needs a divider of some sort, e.g. a curtain.
• Some faiths require shoes to be removed, which must be respected by other users of the room even if from a different faith.
• The room must have no religious symbolism such as a cross, pictures, statues or images.
• Some religions require specific times to be available for prayer which would exclude users of other faiths from using the room.
• Furniture used by some (e.g. pews and kneelers) gets in the way of others who require space to pray.
• An indication of the direction of Mecca.
• Must not contain anything considered impure such as blood, urine, poo, alcohol or dirt.



photo: phanlop88

• Must be quiet.

How’s that for a list? I’m glad I’m not the one responsible for trying to set up a multi-faith prayer room! The task seems fraught with danger of offending someone.


Comments? Wax lyrical people!

two voices

Gill Hicks.  In London during 2005 Gill was running late for work. On the same train as Gill - only one person between them - was Jermaine Lindsay, who was a suicide bomber.

In a heartbeat, Gill's life changed completely. In the first moments after the bomb detonation, Gill thought she must be dead. Then the sound of many people screaming brought her to the realisation that whatever had happened had affected everyone around her.  


In the dimness, Gill realised both her legs below the knees were lost. She couldn't breathe as both her lungs had collapsed. She had burn injuries, a set of car-keys embedded in the back of her head, broken bones and burst eardrums. She used her scarf to tie tourniquets around her own legs. 


In those moments of confusion and near-death, Gill heard two voices.  And they were offering her a choice.


A choice between life and death. And Gill describes them both as being inside her head.


The first voice was female and Gill describes this as the 'voice of Death' which was very beautiful and inviting. It said, "Gill, look at your injuries. Come with me now."  It was a very tempting offer. 


The 'voice of Life' was male and urgent and angry. "No, you won't have legs, but there's still much for you to do." Gill knew in that moment, instinctively, that her life would be different and focused on making a difference for peace.  She was signing an invisible contract with Life where she couldn't read the fine print.  


Click on this link to the ABC radio\Conversations with Richard Fidler. Listen to Gill tell her incredible story yourself.


Gill started a subversive movement called MAD for Peace (Making a Difference) in which Gill works to build empathetic communities.  


Empathy = a key component in creating sustainable peace.


This woman, Gill Hicks, has copped a deep loss due to a violent act by someone else's choice. Gill is not bitter about this. But she is angry and she thinks that's okay. And so do I. She is considered and thoughtful and has determined that this mindless violence must not be perpetuated by her. Her best response to this awful and cruel act is to build understanding communities who value empathy.


Wow. Like building empathetic communities is the easy option. Wouldn't it be much easier to just be angry and revengeful? I think so. But Gill is not interested in the easy option. She is a quality woman.


I admire her guts. I am blown away by her resourcefulness, initiative and beauty. Fantastic effort, Gill.


Listen to her story. You won't be disappointed.

who's in charge here?

One of the most valuable things I learnt about my own health and wellbeing was that I am responsible for it. Now although many will agree with this, I’m not convinced we are all really on the same page.

Whenever you embark on a health-kick such as signing up for a gym, starting a diet, commencing an exercise routine, etc there is a plethora of eager ‘advisers’ who want to tell you what they did, or how you should do it.

Problem is, much of the advice you get is contradictory. Eat carbs / don’t eat carbs. Go vegetarian / eat high protein. Don’t eat between meals / eat every 2-3 hours. Cardio v strength training. Exercise in one block of time / exercise in short spurts thru the day. And on it goes.

So how come so many ‘experts’ have such different views? Who’s right? Are they all wrong?

This sort of conflicting information doesn’t just occur in the wellbeing sector, I’ve discovered. But through the maze of confusion, I came to the following conclusion:

I’m in charge of me

No longer will I outsource decisions about my health and wellbeing into the hands of other people who don’t have to live with the consequences of their decisions. My health is not theirs to determine. It’s not that I don’t consider the advice and opinions of experts. I do. I mean, I really do. However the final decision is always mine.

Sounds simplistic doesn’t it? But it’s more than that. It’s about responsibility. Ownership. Self-management. Being in-charge of your own life.

This is empowering stuff. It’s a concept that extends well beyond the medical / wellbeing decisions I make as well. In fact, I’m responsible for a whole lot of stuff - like my choice on who my friends are; how much time I will invest in certain things; how safely I choose to drive my car; how I spend my free time; what sort of behaviours I will encourage, tolerate, refuse to tolerate. It’s very powerful being in charge of me.

What really annoys me, in fact bugs the hell out of me, is any attempt other people make in being in charge of an aspect of my life that is not theirs to assume. Like that medical type person who forgot I was a human being attached to the body he was treating. Not wise, boy-o.

I sometimes hear others whinge about so-and-so (‘so-and-so’ being someone they are in a whole lot of contact with whose bad behaviour goes on and on) and their only response to So-and-so’s bad behaviour is to whinge to others and not take steps to manage their own wellbeing.

Being in charge is the most freeing discovery. And did I mention the word ‘empowering’? It’s so wonderful being in charge.  Of me.

So. Who’s in charge of you? Any comments, thoughts or stories you want to share about being in charge? Wax lyrical, people!

dear beautiful women of the world

If you’re reading this, then you must be a beautiful woman, as this blog-letter is addressed to you! Yes, you!

What makes a woman beautiful?

Being beautiful women, we all know that beauty is not just skin-deep, right? There are things about beauty that are not just confined to physical appearance. Stuff like…

•          Compassion
•          Confidence
•          Sensitivity
•          Strength

“We don’t have to align ourselves with someone else’s vision of what is beautiful”  ~Aimee Mullins

Aimee Mullins

Let me tell you about Aimee Mullins.  She is 35, smart as hell, a model, an elite athlete (broken 3 world records), and a public speaker. Oh, and she has no legs.

Self-value is way sexy

Aimee believes that confidence is of high value when it comes to beauty. And on that note, when she addresses her female audiences she challenges them with this scenario:

Picture this:  You’re walking down the street and a hooded figure jumps out and accosts you. To get away, you have to push your fingers into his eyes and press his eyeballs, like jelly. There’s no other choice. Would you do it? (About 25% of women would.) So picture this then: You’ve picked up the kids from school and are walking along when the hooded figure jumps out. Would you do it now? (100% of women would.)

Aimee believes that many women don’t merit themselves unless they’re in a supporting role for someone else. Supporting is great, however it is also devaluing if you cannot allow yourself to be great because of yourself, for your own sake.

Any comments or thoughts on this? What's your response, oh beautiful woman? (Blokes, you can say stuff too. Beautiful women are pleased to have your input on this.)

Source:

Sunday Telegraph Magazine, 04 March 2012